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When Trying Harder Isn't Working
You are not crazy.
You are not making any of this up.
You are not imagining things.
Adulting is heavy. The amount on your plate leaves little room for anything else. You’re taking care of the people in your inner circle: your family and friends. I see the way you put their needs before your own. The way you consider how they might feel or react to situations feels like an act of love. You don’t want them to suffer. You go above and beyond to make sure their life is comfortable.
And you’re taking care of people on the job, too. Your work relationships are just as important to you as family. After all, you spend more time at work than with your inner circle, it seems like. The people you work for, work with, and the people you serve are all getting the same level of “all in” energy because your level of integrity demands it. It’s who you are.
You’re a giver not a taker. And you don’t ask for help because you don’t want to make anyone else’s life harder. You give, like Mary Oliver says, “until the giving feels like receiving.” And it has felt like receiving, at times.
But I’ve heard you ask yourself, “If I don’t take care of it, who will?” And maybe another way to phrase it is:
“Why doesn’t anyone else care about this as much as I do? Why am I the only one putting in the effort to make this work?”
And underneath that question is the awareness that you have been taking care of so many other people and no one seems to be putting in the same effort to take care of you. So much of your time and energy goes toward making everything work, that you don’t have time to really take care of yourself.
And you feel the effects of that.
Mentally, physically, and spiritually you don’t even know who you are anymore.
So it’s finally time to establish boundaries and take care of yourself, too, right? You know you deserve it, and yet it’s so difficult to do. Sometimes it feels like establishing and maintaining boundaries is just One More Thing that’s added to your plate. Isn’t it supposed to make your life easier and lighter? Yes, it is.
Yet, all it seems to be doing is making people mad, judgmental, and confrontational. If there’s one thing that spikes your anxiety, it’s confrontation. You’re uncomfortable with your own negative emotions, let alone someone else’s. And honestly, it feels easier to just go back to doing things the way you were doing them because there was a lot less to fight against.
If you relate to any of this, then let me introduce you to the version of me that I wrote that to. Meet Anita in her 30s: mother to two sons, full-time non-traditional college student, self-employed licensed massage therapist, and wife.
Truth be told, I wasn’t even involved in that much beyond my work, school, and my immediate family. That’s enough, right? But I look around now at those who identify with what I’ve written here and I see people carrying so much more than I was. If that’s you, I want you to know that I see you.
Extended family, your spiritual community, kids’ extracurriculars, fundraising, vacation planning, family health management, medical diagnoses, future financial planning, political involvement, and unexplained symptoms with labs that keep coming back “fine.” You are carrying a legit load!
The pictures don’t really tell the story of our felt experience. The picture from my 30s vs. these photos at 50 don’t tell the story of transformation. But I can tell you how different I feel. I can tell you that I don’t wonder who will take care of “things” if I don’t. I no longer wonder why other people don’t put in the effort to make things work. And it’s not because I simply stopped wondering. It’s because I changed the way I approached the problem. Instead of exhausting myself to keep up the same momentum, I took a look at what momentum actually is.
It’s a physics formula.
(That non-traditional student? She was an Exercise Science major!)
My physics class changed my life. The science that studies matter, energy, force, and motion and how they interact helped me understand myself in ways that self-help couldn’t touch.
And I’m here to show you how simple math and science concepts can lead to your own transformation. You don’t even have to be good at math or science, I promise.
Before I continue, let me put this disclaimer: I’m not here to convince you to think about life the way I do or to believe what I believe. I also don’t have the intention to coach you through any program (I’m not a trained coach). I don’t have the specific answers for your life. But I know that you do. And I know that you can examine the heaviness in your life, the scattered energy, and the stuckness to feel confident in your next right step to feel the relief, joy, peace, and ease that you want to feel.
What I have for you is a formula that you can apply to your life. As you examine the variables in this formula, you’ll understand the equation that will give you the momentum you want to feel.
And you’ll be able to use the formula again and again whenever your momentum feels off. Cause let’s face reality: we are dynamic human beings who are in a constant quest for balance. We ebb and flow, wax and wane, spiral and cycle just like everything else in nature.
I also have four practices to offer that led me to a life of inner calm, groundedness, self-regulation, confidence, and connection. They’re basic and simple, not necessarily easy, but worth it to adopt.