You are not crazy.
You are not making any of this up.
You are not imagining things.
Adulting is heavy. The amount on your plate leaves little room for anything else. You’re taking care of the people in your inner circle: your family and friends. I see the way you put their needs before your own. The way you consider how they might feel or react to situations feels like an act of love. You don’t want them to suffer. You go above and beyond to make sure their life is comfortable.
And you’re taking care of people on the job, too. Your work relationships are just as important to you as family. Afterall, you spend more time at work than with your inner circle, it seems like. The people you work for, work with, and the people you serve are all getting the same level of “all in” energy because your level of integrity demands it. It’s who you are.
You’re a giver not a taker. And you don’t ask for help because you don’t want to make anyone else’s life harder. You give, like Mary Oliver says, “until the giving feels like receiving.” And it has felt like receiving, at times.
But I’ve heard you ask yourself, “If I don’t take care of it, who will?” And maybe another way to phrase it is:
“Why doesn’t anyone else care about this as much as I do? Why am I the only one putting in the effort to make this work?”
And underneath that question is the awareness that you have been taking care of so many other people and no one seems to be putting in the same effort to take care of you. So much of your time and energy goes toward making everything work, that you don’t have time to really take care of yourself.
And you feel the effects of that.
Mentally, physically, and spiritually who don’t even know who you are anymore.
So it’s finally time to establish boundaries and take care of yourself, too, right? You know you deserve it, and yet it’s so difficult to do. Sometimes it feels like establishing and maintaining boundaries is just One More Thing that’s added to your plate. Isn’t it supposed to make your life easier and lighter? Yes, it is.
Yet, all it seems to be doing is making people mad, judgmental, and confrontational. If there’s one thing that spikes your anxiety, it’s confrontation. You’re uncomfortable with your own negative emotions, let alone someone else’s. And honestly, it feels easier to just go back to doing things they way you were doing them because there was alot less to fight against.
If you relate to any of this, then let me introduce you to the version of me that I wrote that to. Meet Anita in her 30s: mother to two sons, full time non-traditional college student, self-employed licensed massage therapist, and wife.
Truth be told, I wasn’t even involved in that much beyond my work, school, and my immediate family. That’s enough, right? But I look around now at those who identify with what I’ve written here and I see people carrying so much more than I was. If that’s you, I want you to know that I see you.
Extended family, your spiritual community, kids extracurriculars, fundraising, vacation planning, family health management, medical diagnoses, future financial planning, political involvement, and unexplained symptoms with labs that keep coming back “fine.” You are carrying a legit load!
The pictures don’t really tell the story of our felt experience. The picture from my 30s vs. these photos at 50 don’t tell the story of transformation. But I can tell you how different I feel. I can tell you that I don’t wonder who will take care of “things” if I don’t. I no longer wonder why other people don’t put in the effort to make things work. And it’s not because I simply stopped wondering. It’s because I changed the way I approached the problem. Instead of exhausting myself to keep up the same momentum, I took a look at what momentum actually is.
It’s a physics formula.
(That non-traditional student? She was an Exercise Science major!)
My physics class changed my life. The science that studies matter, energy, force, and motion and how they interact helped me understand myself in ways that self-help couldn’t touch.
And I’m here to show you how simple math and science concepts can lead to your own transformation. You don’t even have to be good at math or science, I promise.
Before I continue, let me put this disclaimer: I’m not here to convince you to think about life the way I do or to believe what I believe. I also don’t have the intention to coach you through any program (I’m not a trained coach). I don’t have the specific answers for your life. But I know that you do. And I know that you can examine the heaviness in your life, the scattered energy, and the stuckness to feel confident in your next right step to feel the relief, joy, peace, and ease that you want to feel.
What I have for you is a formula that you can apply to your life. As you examine the variables in this formula, you’ll understand the equation that will give you the momentum you want to feel.
And you’ll be able to use the formula again and again whenever your momentum feels off. Cause let’s face reality: we are dynamic human beings who are in a constant quest for balance. We ebb and flow, wax and wane, spiral and cycle just like everything else in nature.
I also have four practices to offer that led me to a life of inner calm, groundedness, self-regulation, confidence, and connection. They’re basic and simple, not necessarily easy, but worth it to adopt.
Your next right step is this way!
So how are we going to do this?
Look through the content below to find out if this feels like what you need right now.
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If you want community, conversation, and a safe place to assess the variables affecting your momentum, then become a paid subscriber to my Substack called The Unlearning and connect with me.
For now, let me give you the formula that will change the way you relate to the heaviness, the chaos, and the stuckness you’re experiencing.
The Formula:
TL;DW - Anita presents a physics-based framework for understanding momentum in personal development and daily life, explaining that momentum (MV) is made up of mass (roles, responsibilities, and deadlines) and velocity (total energy released in a direction). She introduces two additional factors that influence momentum: gravity (the stories and beliefs we attach to our responsibilities that create weight) and friction (internal and external resistance that opposes movement). Anita emphasizes that when people feel stuck or losing momentum, it's important to examine these variables rather than simply trying to "gain" or "maintain" momentum, as this approach can lead to exhaustion and burnout. She concludes by explaining that her work at anitabrown.co and her Substack "The Unlearning" focuses on helping people examine these factors and unlearn their own harmful thought patterns and beliefs in order to carry their load more efficiently.
Ok, look. The first thing you’re going to feel when you name, acknowledge, and organize the overwhelm in your life is relief. You’re going to feel a sense of clarity and that’s going to make you feel lighter, immediately. Then you’re going to sit with that for a second before a new overwhelming sense of doom takes over, “But what should I do? How am I supposed to fix any of this?”
And for that, I’ve got four practices that create a stable infrastructure in which you can discover the answers to those “what now” questions that come up. I return to these practices again and again to tap into the wisdom available to guide my next right step. Together I call them The Four-legged Framework, because they hold me up and hold me steady.
The Four-legged Framework
Practice In Any Amount
In Iyengar Yoga, you learn to hold a pose in proper alignment, even using props to help get you there. Once properly aligned, you hold, check in with your body, watch where you weaken and make the effort to bring yourself back into proper alignment. My instructor would tell her class, “reach in any amount,” “stretch in any amount,” “lift in any amount.” We’d bring awareness to our bodies and decide how much reach we had in us, how much stretch we wanted to give, or how much lift we felt comfortable. Eventually, “any amount” became my mantra off the mat.
“Practicing in Any Amount” means checking in with yourself to assess how much effort you’ve got in you for whatever you’re facing. It’s not a one-and-done decision. It’s regularly checking in and making a decision.
What I discovered in my yoga class was that I was the kind of person that heard “any amount” and translated that into “give more than what you’re giving right now.” She’s say “reach in any amount” and I’d reeeaaaaaccchhh, only to find myself too sore to move the next two days.
That was exactly how I operated in my life off the mat, as well. If I wasn’t giving my all, I wasn’t giving enough, and I’d end up mentally exhausted. It took time to realize that “any amount” could mean “this is already enough” or even, “give less than this.”
“In any amount” means that even if you decide to give zero effort, you are still practicing. Because it’s not about the amount of effort you give, it’s about the amount of participation. Deciding to give zero effort or deciding to give 110% is going to change your life once you realize that it’s the deciding part that makes the difference.
When you check in with yourself and own your decisions, the messiness of life starts cleaning itself.
Maintain Appropriate Boundaries
Boundaries were hard for me at first. They took so much effort to establish. And the maintenance? Geesh! That took even more energy! And it’s all because I interpreted the saying, “you teach people how to treat you,” to mean “you give them the instructions, grade them on their attempts, and retrain until they get it.” Boundaries didn’t make my life easier. In fact, they just added more to my plate and created more friction.
It took me awhile to realize boundaries aren’t rules about how to treat me that other people need to follow. And a long conversation isn’t required to get people to understand what they did wrong and how to correct their behavior so they can engage with me appropriately.
I came to understand that boundaries are rules for me to follow, personal policies if you will. They are decisions I make about my time and energy and resources. And they are based standards I want to live by.
I’d love to say that once I shifted my perspective, establishing and maintaining them became a breeze. But that definitely wasn’t the case.
What I realized was how afraid I was to hold myself accountable to my own standards and set limits on my availability and accessibility. It meant that I was the one who needed to change my behavior by saying no to situations and people in order to protect my energy. It meant that I was the one who had to follow through, or walk away, or not pick up the phone, or not share as much of myself as I once did, among other hard decisions.
Establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries is the poster child of self-care. It’s a simple phrase and challenging practice. Until it’s not. And then, at times, it still is.
Maintaining appropriate physical, emotional, and personal-resource boundaries helps lighten our load, reduce friction, and keeps us aligned with the values that allow us to manage our momentum well.
Use “AND” Statements Generously
“And” statements kind of broke my brain. As a recovering black-and-white thinker, I’d tolerate “and” statements for sake of philosophical depth, but at the end of the day we all need a definitive right/wrong answer don’t we? Oh, sure, sure we know the world isn’t all black and white, but ultimately only one is correct, right? I replay conversations and hear myself asking for clarity by saying, “so it’s either ____ or _____” and to be honest, I still catch myself in trying to reduce everything down to the right answer.
When I Use “And” Statements it reminds me that I am part of the messy, imperfect humankind, and I belong there (we all do). But when I Use “And” Statements Generously, I remind myself to include compassion, empathy, and kindness in how I view the messiness and imperfection. We are wonderfully contradictory and paradoxical creatures, and we are doing our best.
The next time you hear yourself saying, “truth truth truth, BUT this this this” just pay attention to what that feels like in your body. Tight? Narrow? Constricted?
If you switch it up with, “truth truth truth, AND this this this” I bet you’ll notice a sense of spaciousness around you. Less righteousness, more collaboration. Less judgement, more compassion. Less tension, more curiosity. Less weight, more freedom.
Give Uncertainty More Space and Time
The underlying current that shows up in both the challenge of maintaining appropriate boundaries and creating spaciousness with “and” statements is: Uncertainty.
What’s going to happen if you tell people no, if you stop making yourself accessible, if you stop giving so much energy? What’s going to happen if you admit that two contradictory thoughts/emotions/feelings exist and have a seat at the table?
Oh the security we chase in life! We want the security that being right. And we follow the dangling carrot of what’s right until we don’t even know where we are or who we are anymore.
The uncertainty that maintaining boundaries and creating spaciousness reveals is an uncomfortable to experience. If you feel it, you’re in a place where your own inner wisdom can be heard, but you’ve got to stop chasing the carrot and wait.
When you Give Uncertainty More Space and Time, you take your eyes off the prize that external validation gives you. You close your ears to the voices weighing in with stories that give the situation so much gravity. You give yourself room to breathe, feel where the breath moves your body, and get curious about the tense places that have so much to say.
When you practice Giving Uncertainty More Space and Time, you build muscles in yourself that become inner confidence and poise as you find security in your ability to hold yourself together in the face of an unknown.
“What’s going to happen if…..?” is answered with, “I don’t know the answer to that right now, and I’m willing to find out.”
That strength is where your inner wisdom can move you; where it can show you your next right step.
If you are navigating a moment that feels pressured or unclear, you do not have to sort it out alone.
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